Falling asleep is a constant struggle that plagues us with various reasons, yet it remains undiagnosed. Insomnia is a complex issue, with its origins buried deep in our bodies - from our physiology and biology to medication side effects. However, for me, the true fear resides within my own mind - an overactive monster that torments me until dawn. It's a vicious cycle of sleeplessness, triggered by imbalances in my body and brain that send my thoughts spiraling out of control.
My mind is a claustrophobic prison, its walls made of relentless thoughts and fears that trap me in a never-ending cycle. Years of strict religious upbringing have instilled in me the belief that anything less than perfection is unacceptable, leaving me restless and unable to sleep at night as I obsess over every small detail and agonize over the opinions of others. And as I stepped into adulthood, this pattern only tightened its grip, threatening to push me to the edge of my sanity.
But I refuse to surrender to the overwhelming power of my own mind. For years, I have searched for ways to conquer its endless barrage of doubt and fear. Through self-discovery and experimentation with various techniques - including meditation, hypnosis, neurolinguistic psychology, psychoanalysis, behaviorism, spirituality, and philosophy - I have finally found fleeting moments of peace amidst the chaos. Like a weary traveler navigating through a stormy sea, I have learned to steer my thoughts towards calmer waters and quell the relentless flow of negative thoughts that keep me up at night. Despite the arduous journey, I am determined to find meaning and understanding in both my personal experiences and interactions with others, for it is in this struggle that true growth lies.
My travels into the mind have been a tumultuous rollercoaster, with exhilarating highs that make my heart race and devastating lows that leave me feeling gutted. Along the way, I've encountered cunning con artists who invade the deepest recesses of my mind, leaving me feeling violated and unsettled. But through these trials and challenges, I've emerged stronger and wiser, molded by the lessons learned on this journey. My longstanding battle with insomnia has significantly improved, and my mental well-being has become more resilient. However, this path to self-discovery is not a one-size-fits-all solution; it may not be effective for everyone, and the results can take time to manifest. In fact, delving into the darkest corners of one's mind can bring about unforeseen realizations, leading me to seek therapy for the past year. Despite their seemingly gentle nature, these practices can also carry risks for one's psyche, and it's imperative to proceed with caution when exploring such techniques. If you're not prepared to confront the demons lurking within your unconscious or if even the thought terrifies you, I strongly advise against continuing down this treacherous path. As I've learned firsthand, these methods are not without danger, despite what their proponents may claim or withhold from you.
Each night, I used to dread the inevitable struggle of trying to fall asleep. My body and mind exhausted from the endless cycle of studying and analyzing my own thoughts. Most nights these days I manage to get around 5 hours of rest, but even then, my mind refuses to shut down. It's like a never-ending whirlwind, constantly churning with worries and anxieties that I can't seem to escape. It takes at least 30 minutes for me to drift off into a fitful slumber, and even then I am plagued by restless dreams. And when morning comes, it feels like a heavy weight is holding me down, making it almost impossible to peel myself out of bed. The frigid winter air only adds to my fatigue, seeping through the cracks in my window and wrapping itself around me like a shroud. It's as if the cold is trying to cling onto me, keeping me trapped in a state of perpetual exhaustion. But eventually, I force myself up, knowing that I have responsibilities and obligations waiting for me on the other side of consciousness. The sunlight peeks through my curtains, casting dancing shadows on my walls and beckoning me forward into the new day. As much as I want to stay cocooned in my warm blankets, I know that I must face the challenges that lay ahead.
With countless hours spent in deep meditation and constant pursuit of knowledge, I have gained a heightened sense of awareness and presence. It's as if I am an outsider observing my own mind, watching as my thoughts slither and crawl through the depths of my consciousness, their toxic tendrils latching onto every fiber of my being. This newfound awareness has made me acutely attuned to how these thoughts control my mood, emotions, and ultimately, my actions. It is a place for deep contemplation, but also a breeding ground for both suffering and reward. In posts to come, I will strive to unravel this complex relationship, not only for my own personal growth but also for the benefit of those who can relate to this harrowing experience. The mind is a labyrinth, and I am determined to navigate its twists and turns with grace and understanding.
I cannot claim to possess all the solutions, for I am still navigating the complexities of my insomnia. There is no one-size-fits-all remedy or foolproof method for managing this condition. However, through a change in perspective - from "suffering from" to "living with" - and implementing a semi-structured approach, I have gained some semblance of control over my sleep and the intrusive thoughts that haunt me. This has been a relentless struggle, but one that has significantly enhanced my overall sense of well-being, like a warm ray of sunshine piercing through a dark and stormy night. My journey towards peaceful rest continues, but I am grateful for the progress made thus far.
The cadence of my daily routine is like a well-choreographed dance. It begins with me staying up late, eyes glued to the screen of my laptop until the clock strikes 11:30 or 12 o'clock. My body wakes up around 6am, as if in response to the first rays of sunlight peeking through my window. I stretch and make my way to the bathroom, splashing cool water on my face to invigorate myself for the day ahead.
Descending the stairs, I make myself a coffee. The rich aroma fills the air as I work in the kitchen. As the coffee brews, I attend to any lingering dishes from the previous night, carefully placing them in their designated spots. If there are any unwashed dishes left behind, I diligently scrub them before setting them aside to dry.
Before diving into the hustle and bustle of daily life, I prioritize tending to both my mind and body. I devote time to practicing QiGong, a gentle form of exercise that combines slow movements with controlled breathing. Following a routine from Shaolin Temple Europe's YouTube channel, I move slowly and deliberately, allowing my mind to focus solely on each movement and its corresponding breath.
Afterwards, I prepare another cup of hot coffee and settle into a comfortable position for meditation. With my Waking Up app at hand, I engage in a guided meditation session focused on expanding consciousness without any religious or spiritual connotations. Simultaneously, I use the Instant Timer app to track my progress and receive a gentle bell at the halfway mark to keep me centered and present.
At times, I choose to meditate in complete silence, embracing any thoughts that arise without judgment or resistance. And if time permits, I also incorporate a guided hypnosis track from the Primed Mind app into my routine. These brief yet powerful sessions help boost my positivity and determination for the day ahead.
As I sip my coffee and revel in a state of calmness, I often spend the remaining time reading. Whether it's a work of fiction or literature on the workings of the mind, I relish in this peaceful and intentional start to my day. And with the privilege of working from home, I am able to fully embrace and appreciate this routine that nourishes both my body and soul.
One aspect that has greatly aided me in understanding myself, my being, and the world around me is through writing. I encourage you all to find a creative outlet that allows you to delve deeper into your inner thoughts and reflections.